


Ever Waking Dream

by Xilianr



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Mild Smut, My First AO3 Post, Scars, Self-Harm, Spoilers, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 13:59:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9494642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xilianr/pseuds/Xilianr
Summary: Sometimes people have dreams that are so vivid they haunt them long after waking. People searching for a face in the crowd that they never saw before, hoping to met again for the first time.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short piece I wrote after having a strangely vivid dream about explaining my scars to an ex. Wrote this to try and clear it from my head. I think it's trash really but I figure it might spark someone else to write/post something better so here ya go.

He didn’t remember how it started. Farlan just brought her home one day and that seemed the most reasonable thing. Were these two a couple? Maybe. Farlan seemed to be trying to make Isabel jealous with her. The woman kept the place spotless at least. Levi was sure she tried so hard to make the hideout comfortable to keep from being thrown out. She knew Farlan wasn’t in love with her. The notion of selling one’s self like that turned Levi’s stomach. 

Levi couldn’t be bothered to pay her any real mind. That was until he had her make him some tea after a job that had left him exhausted. She had made the tea perfectly. After that Levi tried a bit more to let her into their tight knit world. She was funny. Her smile just for him lifted all the weight of the day from his shoulders. She was doting to him and tried to keep the place to his difficult standards of clean. No part of her efforts went unnoticed by Levi though. 

He couldn’t recall the jobs but the celebrations after soon had him waking tangled in sheets with the couple, sharing in her affections like it was just to be expected. He was rarely around her without Farlan there, stamping his claim to the lovely creature like they were happy. Levi was sure they weren’t. She was meant to belong to him.

Did years pass? Birthdays, holidays, everyday events that made his heart swell for her, he couldn’t keep track of them all. They flickered through like snowflakes melting in his hand if he tried to hold them too long. All the same Levi knew he needed her. More and more the bond between them was forged until he just couldn’t not hold her as he slept. 

Farlan had left to take Isabel out on the town, leaving the woman that was supposedly spoken for alone in the hideout with only Levi to keep her company. He couldn’t retrace the actions that left them naked in his bed, but he didn’t care. He was holding her, kissing her. Him and her alone together for the first time, or maybe it was the millionth, Levi couldn’t recall. This time was special though. This time was important, he could hear it echoing in the back of his mind.

He bucked his hips again. She withered beneath him, her outcry driving him to thrust harder. He had her, she was his and he would never let her go. **His**. Forever his. 

“Say you want me. Only me. Tell me you don’t want him any more, only me. SAY IT.”  Hard thrusts punctuated the words, his rhythm was becoming erratic, so close.

“I’m yours Levi, only yours, only ever yours now. I don’t want him, I need you. Please Levi, Please!” Her fingers were in his hair, her own walls shivering in rapture as she was starting to fall over the edge he was driving her towards. 

“I love you, I love you, shit I love you so much!” He let go, his release was nearly frantic, his hands holding her too tightly, undoubtably bruising her loving hips. To prevent shouting more he crashed his lips to her neck, teeth pressing hard into the soft surface. This started her trembling again, second wave of nirvana brought on by his finding the one spot he now intended to always leave his mark.

 

_(knock knock)_

 

The afterglow was drowning. He looked into her face, an urgency was roaring in the back of his mind. _Remember her. You have to fight hard to remember her, you can’t forget her. Not her, not now that you have her. Don’t let go, hang on tighter._

“I love you Levi. I will be yours for as long as you want me. Please, keep me.”

“Forever.” He whispered it into her hair. Forever his. Farlan would forgive him. His best friend would understand that this was destiny not just stupid lust. They were meant for each other. _He can’t forgive you, he’s dead._ What? No, he was just here, he’s out with-

 

_(Knock Knock)_

 

What was that, it was closer now. _Not important. Her, you have to remember every bit of her, to find her._ Find her? She is right here, he was still inside her for pities sake. Levi rolled his hips and she writhed, eyes fluttering shut from the pleasure. Her hair framing her face, her bright eyes, her lips, red and swollen from so much attention, strikingly beautiful against her skin. His most unique gem. 

 

_(KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK)_

 

“The shitty brat banging around better knock that off. I’m busy here.” _You are going to lose her. You need to remember her better than that!_ The voice in the back of his mind was roaring. A spark of fear of losing her spurred Levi into drinking in every part of her. The legs that were wrapped around his waist, the size of her breasts, her fingers entwined with his. _More, you need more._  

Scars. His heart broke. They were old and faded but abundant. Some were deep and would be at risk of tearing if they got too stiff. His love had suffered before he found her. Her world had left her with such deep wounds that they had found a way to the surface, marking her flesh for the rest of her days. Oh how he wished he could have shielded her from that pain. But they were beautiful too. Small glimpses of her soul that she was showing the world, and that soul could suffer through a war of pain and not lose its glorious radiance. A long old one on the back of her right arm stayed with him. He kissed her opposite palm and ran delicate fingertips over the faded wound. 

_This might be enough, but try for more. You have to remember her or you might never find her again._

Her face, her body, the sound of her laugh, the joy in her eyes as he kissed her, he tried to burn the images into his mind.

 

**(KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! BANG!)**

 

Levi’s eyes shot open and the crushing reality shattered his heart. It was just a dream. _REMEMBER HER OR YOU WILL NEVER FIND HER_. Levi jumped out of bed, giving only a passing thought to the condition of his sheets dictating laundry was of the highest priority today. As blank page was sourced in his journal he let every bit of her he could recall spill onto it in sloppy writing in haphazard order. A small doodle was used to try and keep the image of the scar on her arm clear. He could hear something beyond his office door but it didn’t matter. The walls could have fallen for all he cared. He had to write down the worthless words that paled compared to the actual image in his mind. He wasn’t capturing her well enough. He wrote more and frantic scratches of pen on paper did not subside as he turned the page to try and trap some piece of her essence in the ink. 

“Levi, what the hell?! I had to get Erwin to let me in. Are you okay? The cadet I sent to fetch you said you were shouting.”

“I was having a dream. It was… Intense. Now shut up shitty-glasses, you’re distracting me from writing it down. I need to get this all down before it fades.” Steely eyes glared up only briefly from his fervent efforts. 

“Ohhh-Kaay. Well Levi, normally I would just let you go at it but the meeting is waiting on you and I think Erwin might really want to have you present for this one, seeing as he is…”

“Levi, I understand you rarely sleep well enough to dream, but the 36th expedition is two short days away and I need to get input from you about the cadets and your squad. I can’t just-“

“Erwin, if I don’t get this down the only input you will get from me is a boot to the face. I… shit. Please Erwin, five minutes to finish this and I’ll be in the meeting. I won’t even shower or make tea first, just let me finish.” Levi’s hands were trembling, his eyes held a shimmer from unshed tears. This was not the sort of dream one could just shrugged off. 

Erwin let out a sigh as he relented to Levi’s adamance. Hange walked out first with Erwin close behind. Levi continued to try and use words to explain the magic of her. Until he balked. Her name. He couldn’t remember her **name**. This fact deflated him. He couldn’t recall. Not so much as a letter. That broke something in Levi and the tears that hope had been holding back fell freely. He clutched the old book to his chest and willed it to somehow contain a hint to her identity that would allow him to find her. His. She was his, and he would have her. Even if it meant looking forever. 

 

 

The journal sat now unused, having had every page filled by memories and years of time. The dream Levi had struggled to put down now gone from his memory beyond what the ink had captured. He could not recall the real beauty that he knew was her. He was mostly sure. At times, most of the time now really, he thought nothing of it beyond it having been a wonderful dream. Sometimes though, when the dark nights were too long and the echo of comrades lost kept him from rest he would look back at the pages that held what was left of her and he would hope for the day he found a woman with those exuberant eyes and contagious smile. In those nights where the horrors of the world were too real he looked to the hope of finding a dream breaking forth into the world, his world. 

 

 

Levi was walking around town after one such night. He wandered the streets, searching for a vision from a dream in hopes of evading the newest ghosts that had come to lurk in the darker depths of his mind. The pain that shot through his leg told him that it was time to rest. The silent streets were a small comfort after losing so much. Stumbling into his favorite cafe Levi took a seat by the window. His squad, his friends. They had trusted him and he had been wrong. He had only a fist full of fabric, reduced down to three small patches, to prove they had been there. Running tired fingers over the now familiar embroidery he pleaded once more for their forgiveness. Shit. He had forgotten to go to the counter and order and a twinge in his leg told him he should stay seated a bit longer. 

Looking to the counter to see if his old acquaintance was looking to be flagged over Levi saw an unfamiliar head of hair, back to him, behind the counter. That’s right, the owner’s missus was about to pop out their first child, a store hand must have been taken on to cover the shop in their absence. Something about the hair caught Levi’s attention, though he couldn’t say what. He was mostly sure he didn’t know her. Looking back out the window, Levi waited for his leg to give him permission to stand and order some tea.

A few passers by later, Levi heard footsteps approaching. Taking in a breath to ask if he could get a pot of tea he nearly choked on the air. Stunning (e/c) eyes, framed by soft (h/c) tresses. Her lips were not the swollen red from memory but rather pink and lightly chapped. Her sleeves were rolled up and the scar that had become a part of Levi’s daydreams was visible. In her hands was a tea cup on a saucer and a tea pot that had a small plumb of steam escaping it’s spout. 

“Hi there. Captain Levi right? Bran mentioned your leg was giving you trouble, might need to rest up before ordering. Hope you wanted your usual, since its hot and ready for you.” The smile she gave left her eyes glowing with good nature. Levi couldn’t remember how to speak, a mechanical nod being all he could convince his body to do as answer.

Unfazed by his silence she delicately placed the tea on the table and the cup and saucer in front of him. Her eyes were bright and inviting him to speak about anything else he might want. All he could manage was a soft croak of a thank you. She nodded and went back to her tasks behind the counter. 

 _Talk to her you dolt. If you don’t speak with her before she leaves you might never get to see her again. You have found her, now you just need to get her to see that she is yours._ Right. Just open with a story about a dream he had years ago, an erotic dream, that involved her. Better yet simply declare his undying love for her and hope that she doesn’t assume he is a madman or worse still a incredulous flirt and dump his tea over his head. 

The shop was peacefully empty and Levi couldn’t know how long this opportunity would last. Trying to stand his leg protested with great zeal. 

“Fucking shitty-“ Levi bit his inner cheek to try and stop the expletives attempting to spill from his mouth. 

“Hey, Captain, you need something?” The honeyed tone of her voice dusted his cheeks wish a hint of pink at the memory of the dream coming back with vivid detail. 

“Levi.”

“Hmm?” 

“Please, call me Levi. You aren’t one of the shitty brats I have to order around, you don’t have to call me Captain.” He couldn’t bring himself to look at her.

“Heh, don’t be silly. I am just saying it out of respect. I don’t mind calling you Captain. You are humanity’s strongest after all. It seems reasonable to address you with some regard. And Mr. Ackerman feels way too awkward.”

“Well, I would prefer if you called me Levi. Everyone calls me Captain around town but you shouldn’t have to.” Levi could feel the heat returning to his cheeks as he gathered all his courage to look at her. _You have walked up to titans mouths without blinking an eye, just look at her you coward!_ The effort was worth it. Her cheeks were flushed and her bottom lip was trapped between her teeth in an expression that was all too reminiscent of the expression Levi remembered on her from the dream. “Would you sit with me a moment. I wanted to ask you something.” Using his good leg Levi nudged the chair nearest him out for her. 

Visibly collecting her nerves she walked over and took the offered seat. Her eyes looked up from her fretting hands to meet his and he was once again struck with the flood of vibrant images from the long forgotten dream surfacing once again. Not having planned out what to ask her before requesting her company Levi let a wild whim chart the course. He reached out and took her hand. Running the fingers of his other hand over the familiar scar once again he could have cried from the relief of touching her again. 

“I wanted to hear how you got these. I expect it isn’t an easy story and maybe telling some relative stranger about it is something you wouldn’t want to-“

“I can tell you. Levi. We aren’t strangers after all.” The smile she offered was drooping slightly though. It was logical for her to worry about offering up theses fragments of her very essence to scrutiny. 

“I did them. I, hm, how to explain it. I didn’t want to die or anything like that. There are these seven, only seven, that I was apathetic about living through but all the others I very much meant to live with. If I might be totally honest, I really love them. The whole reason I did this was to feel ‘real pain’. I was really hurting when I was little, broken in some of the worst ways. I was panicked constantly and fear was my only constant companion. Happiness seemed a distant memory. But I was young, so I assumed that I just didn’t know what real suffering felt like. After all I was feeling this panic for no good reason. I was just getting overwhelmed from day to day life. It was the weakness of just not living long enough to have perspective that had me thinking I was in pain. I wasn’t poor or starving. I had shelter and a family that loved me. I was just weak and running away from a small pain because I didn’t know any better, like a little kid falling and crying even though I wasn’t harmed. I didn’t know what real pain was so I couldn’t compare.” Levi ran his fingers over her arms, tracing the phantom pains that must have littered her psyche worse than the marks on her skin. 

“I was careful, if you want to know. Sterilized the knives, sanitized the area I meant to scar. A scar was the goal, you see. I would treat and wrap the wounds with clean gauze daily. I wasn’t crying for help, I had help. I was never reckless about it save the once when I just couldn’t find any hurt to out match the feeling of my broken heart.” She paused as if debating explaining the difference. Or maybe she was trying to find the words to explain. Levi just waited, taking the time to touch the lightest marks on the underside of her left wrist. She hadn’t wanted death, but the length of them would have made it hard to fix an accident in time. 

“He wasn’t worth dying over. I wasn’t in love with him, not really. But when he cheated on me with that girl and said he was torn between us, I broke so deeply. I felt so rejected. I needed to know what that kind of pain looked like. I did a bunch more than the seven here. I got to seven and realized I didn’t want to die for him, even by accident. No one would understand I wasn’t trying to kill myself over him. He would think I cared for him that much! Ugh, he wasn’t worth that. I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. Ya know?”

“So that large one on the length of your right arm was from-“

“What? Oh, no! That one I had done for me since I couldn’t seem to manage to do it myself. By my brother, well not by birth brother, but we were family all the same. He insisted on being drunk when he did it. Coward. He couldn’t keep his hand steady so it’s not as pristine as the ones I did. Whats worse is deep scars like this can dry out and tear with movement and have the scar get more gnarled. Made the one mark look all the less intentional. Had I been more aware of how it would get warped I might have gotten it stitched up instead of letting it scar. All that griping aside though, I love it.” Levi nodded in small understanding. He couldn’t really empathize with that kind of suffering, but he did know suffering and if she found solace in her scars then he could only see them as she did. Beautiful. He found it only reasonable to love them. 

“It didn’t hurt really. I mean compared to living it was nothing. So I know what that kind of pain looks like. And I can endure it. Alone, and scared I can endure worse than the pain that causes a wound like that. It is way more meaningful to me than some tattoo saying Badass, even if the meaning is basically the same.”

Levi pulled her hand forward and without thinking on the total inappropriateness of the act kissed the palm of her left hand while brushing his fingers along the most violent scar on her right. The gesture was the same as from the dream, if not for involving more clothing and less intimate positioning. Levi had a brief second to worry if he had crossed the line before her hand slipped around in his hold and held his cheek. He wanted to ask her to tell him everything else she could think of about herself. He wanted to devour every bit of her he could get. He gently nibbled at her palm, once again acting before better judgement could intervene. 

Meeting her gaze she was biting her lip to keep quiet. Every fiber of his being wanted to pull her into his arms, hold her and keep her until the end of time. A simple kiss might be enough to let her feel what he was feeling. Just a pressing of lips and she might understand how much he needed her.

“Levi…”

Her voice stopped him. What was he doing? They had just met and he was acting like the woman in his dream that had a bond beyond any sort of reason was one and the  same as the beautiful creature before him.

“Sorry, I’m so sorry. I just… …you remind me of…”

“You promised you’d keep me?”

Levi’s heart stopped. Did she really know about the dream? Did she really have the same memories as him of finding a corner of paradise? 

“You remember that too? You had that dream too?!” Levi was standing, glaring at her, a silent accusation of their being apart so long being both their faults evident in his eyes. 

“I woke up in the Underground, damn it. Do you know how hard it was to get out of that shit hole on my own? Of course you do. It was your old place I woke up in. Just like from the dream. I half expected you, Farlan and Isabel to come in at any moment. Talk about a change of residence.”

“Wait, wait, back up. You woke up in my place back in the underground, from where? Where are you from?”

“…I don’t think you’ll believe me.” Levi took a menacing step closer as she held up her hands in submission. “I’m from a world where titans are just works of fiction. Where you are just a character in a story. I would read about your struggles in books published for the masses. I went to bed one night, had an amazing dream and woke up here, in a world that only existed in the imagination.”

Levi just looked at her, trying to wrap his mind around the whole picture. The woman in his dream was not only real, but also had experienced the same dream. She was in fact from a totally different world than his and his want for her might very well have been what dragged her to his shit storm of a dimension. The best plan was to simply take it as truth. The whole thing seemed impossible so if one was to accept any one part as truth the rest had to follow. Didn’t it?

“How the fuck did you make it to the surface in such a short time? Are you angry I brought you to this shit show of a world? Are you still willing to become mine?” Levi bit down, trying to force an end his racing mind’s inquiries.

She quirked her head to the side as if thinking on his questions. “I have a surprisingly helpful skill set that allowed me to make some big heists. All I mean is safes and locks here are way less complicated than what I am used to. I was able to get the needed funds in just a few years. It had taken me months to get over here and even then it’s not like I can just go and ask to see you. ‘Hi, I had a vivid dream about Captain Levi a few years ago and I think we are meant to meet and fall madly in love. Mind if I just pop in and see if he is interested?’ Ha! Maybe if Hange was the guard that could work.”

Levi sat back into his chair with a flop. Pinching the ridge of his nose he nodded. “The lunatic would have walked you right to my office and waited to see how it all played out. Hange would have been convinced you were insane, mind you. But that mad-scientist enjoys seeing how I react to things, as if I were some chemistry set. I wonder what the reaction would have been to my dragging you to my bedroom so I could ravage you.”

She blushed deeply at that with a coy smile on her lips. Levi was sure he would be getting hounded by Hange for-ev-er once they got back to the head quarters. Assuming she still wanted that.

“I’m not mad you might have pulled me here with you. To be fair I would bet it was fate picking not us. I mean forces that bring two people together from different worlds? I bet the forces that be knew I could adapt to your world far easier than you could adapt to mine. Although maybe you could have made a mint as a model? Who knows. No point in thinking about it unless you know how to do something about it. And that leaves to the last of your questions.”

Levi leaned forward with hope in his heart. His. Forever his. 

“I can’t think of anyplace I could be aside form with you. Any world, any place, I don’t care. I just want…” Looking into her eyes he could see the fear that was there. A fear that he would reject her, turn her away at the gate as it were. Just as the fear became obvious Levi saw what he could only call inner strength bolster and set into a calm acceptance of the truth that forward was all she could do and that the fear wasn’t going to serve her in doing that so it was released from focus for the more important emotion of determination. “Please Levi, let me be yours, only ever yours.”

Her words echoed the dream so perfectly that he felt the surge of possessive need that had haunted him for weeks after waking. “Tch. Idiot. Now that I found you you’d have to try pretty hard to get away. I figure you can come back with me and stay in my quarters off my office until we arrange proper residence? Unless you are especially comfortable where you are now?”

Her face was down turned, hands blocking his view of her expression. Was she crying?

“Oi, brat, I’m not really gonna force you to-“

Levi was interrupted by the impact of a warm body colliding with his. She had straddled his lap, arms wrapping around his neck tightly. Their lips connect for the first time but it might also have been the millionth. The passion sparked from light contact to frenzied in mere heart beats. He couldn’t taste enough of her. His search of her ever welcoming mouth and affectionate tongue just weren’t enough. He pulled away just enough to start kissing and nibbling down her jaw. He got the a spot on her neck where she shuddered under the light pressure and he bit down harder, intending to leave a mark that would last the week at least. His tongue was circling and enjoying the skin between his lips. The trembling form on his lap was undeniably enjoying his efforts. He was going to keep her. He wouldn’t let her get away again. As the reality of their not being torn from each other once again set in Levi realized there was one thing he had to do before this went any further. Tightening his hold around her waist Levi let his bad leg take the whole of her weight. The biting pain jolted through him like a shot, but as he opened his eyes once again she was still there. He was awake. This wasn’t a dream this time.

“Come on brat. It’s late enough for you to close up shop. Lets go home.”


End file.
